One of the reasons I enjoy new things and places so much is because they give a new perspective, sometimes a badly needed jolt. I find myself in desperate need of that lately.

When there are things in your life that maybe aren’t so great, the good little things become bigger and more important.  You get so used to holding onto those things that you can’t break out of whatever your routine is for maintaining your sanity. It would take too long to take a bigger gulp and might even throw off the whole works.

But I am tired of that. I wonder why the heck I can’t break out of the every day rut of my own making. There are things I want to DO, yet I don’t.

I come to work, the same job for nearly 25 years. I sit in my office, with the same view outside and inside. I think, I should do this or I should do that, but I don’t do any of those things. I mindlessly look at the internet. (And thank god for my friends I chat with online – you have no idea how I need that.) I do nothing productive, and then wonder later where the time went, why I was so foolish.

At home, I do the bare minimum, and sometimes not even that. Dishes sit overnight at least, we use hand towels for showers. I read and sometimes watch my stories. Sometimes cook something. I DON’T do any of my crafty things. I don’t redo the Boy’s bedroom. I don’t sort through the endless piles of crap. I am in Christmas denial.

People will say “but the parties!”. Yes, I do those. At this point I can do that on auto-pilot. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it. But it doesn’t count.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t bust out of this rut. Why I am letting so much time slide by, wasted. If I am honest, I would say it’s because the things that aren’t so great are taking up too much of my time and energy. I have none left for new things. I NEED that mindless time. I need to be numb.

But then it becomes a vicious circle, doesn’t it. At some point, if I am serious about change, I just have to take a very deep breath and brace myself, throw myself off these tired tracks. Let go of the things I worry about that I can’t fix. Check out the view from a different window, find a different drum beat.






2 responses to “untitled”

  1. I would like to point out you have indeed also spent a copious amount of time this year helping certain people through a multitude of on-going crisis’s, so you should weege that fact in there as well. Copious, like drop everything and help situations where you didn’t bat an eye.

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