Category Archives: bits and pieces

do over

Posted on by Chris
3

Maybe it’s the whole middle-aged thing (I’ll be 45 in August – probably half as old as I’ll live to be, given my genes) and some wishing for things, but I’ve been thinking about regrets a lot lately.

I’ve never trusted anyone who says they have “no regrets”. Really?! How can that be? How can anyone be so satisfied with every single decision they’ve ever made? It seems impossible. Clearly they are in denial is all I can think, and must have some doozy regrets.

I know I do. Big and small.

For one thing, I wish I had traveled when I had the chance, when we had money and pre-kids. I don’t even have a passport, for crying out loud. Were we so busy eating out and doing NOTHING that we didn’t think to GO somewhere? I should have followed Jay’s lead, who started traveling extensively starting on his 30th birthday. At this point, I think the only places he hasn’t been are the two Poles. It’s not like it’s too late to rectify the situation, but there are a few more obstacles now – namely kids and money. I will at least start with the passport.

Another whopper: college. Yes, I went, but I didn’t stick to the major I planned, which was education. I became a PR major. I have never worked in PR. I’ve had the same office job for 21 years now, largely because it’s easy and my schedule has moved with my kids. Now when I think of what changes I might make, it’s just too overwhelming to consider going back to school to become a teacher. I’ve looked into it but found nothing but full-time programs that take two years and cost beaucoup bucks. I think that ship has sailed.

I also wish we had bought a house in the early 90′s (see travel section for reasons why we didn’t.) I can remember looking in the paper and seeing Wallingford bungalows for $150K. It just wasn’t on our radar. Instead we bought in 2007, at the height of the market, and got a tiny house barely in the city limits. But at least it’s ours.

I miss some people from high school and college that I wish I had stayed in contact with.Yes, I suppose I might be able to find them on Facebook, but that seems kinda stalker-y at this point. What if they scratch their heads trying to figure out who I am? God knows I’d probably do that.

One thing I can’t decide if I regret or not: becoming a bar owner. At the time, it seemed like a good idea, and it’s given us lots of flexibility on the home front. But did we put enough thought into other options? I’d say no. And the stress of it is beginning to outweigh the advantages. I’m getting too old for this, I think.On the other hand, we’ve met some truly wonderful people through the Roanoke that I can’t imagine not knowing. This one is a tossup – it depends on the day you ask me.

Mixed in with that is regretting that I made most of the big decisions for the Geek, things that he should have decided for himself. I pushed him down the path we’re on, but what if it wasn’t the right one? What if he would have chosen differently. Yes, it’s easy to let someone else make the choices but that doesn’t mean they are always right. It weighs on me.

Not all of my regrets are heavy. I would take back that wedding dress choice in a heartbeat. Though to be fair, it was 1991 and choices were limited. Still! Those shoulders! I would have bought my last pair of jeans in a smaller size – I’m all for comfort, but these babies stretch! I would take some time to learn and plan my yard, instead of buying any little pretty thing.

To be clear, I don’t regret EVERY thing I’ve done. I still love my tattoos.I can’t believe we waited so long to get Jack.  Even though my kids and husband can drive me batty multiple times a day, none of the rest means a thing without them. The Geek is my best friend and partner. I am so proud of those damn kids even when they work my last nerve (a 15 minute shower?! Really?!)

I know it serves no purpose to look back and dwell on what might have been. But isn’t it useful to consider it going forward?

any given day

Posted on by Chris
4

On any given day for awhile now, I’d say I am 30% frustrated about something, 30% holding it together, 20% bored, 10%  productive, 9% discombobulated, and 1% waiting to win the lottery.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to be on a daily basis. I’d like to be 50% content, 10% inspired, 30% productive and 10% glowing/looking 10 years younger. Mixed in with a little creative and rich.

Clearly, these ratios have to change or the result will be one unhappy girl. I don’t know if it’s a midlife thing or just plain inertia, but  I need to shake things up somehow.

I don’t see a new job in my future, because I don’t even know what that would be, and honestly, my schedule is pretty great. I get to be at home 3 days a week when the kids get home. So I will suck up the boredom here and look for ways to add something new.  The bar is my other job, and there are plans afoot there for some fresh ideas as well.

Really, I think it’s the routine that’s holding me back in the doldrums. So I need to mix that up where I can, even if it’s just little things. To make the ordinary original again.  Some new songs on iTunes. Reconsidering what’s in my closet, making new outfits out of old things. The shoes I got at the Rack today should make that easier.

The recent spate of sunny days has helped.  The days without clouds have been few and far between. I’m hoping exercise in the form of running 3 days a week is helping at least a little.  It’s certainly more active than I’ve ever been. Ever. I even signed up for a “fun run” after being coerced by my Stitchers. I get a number and everything! (There, look, a little excitement.)

Less time on the laptop and more time at the sewing machine is a big part of the plan to increase the inspiration/creativity account. I’ve got lots of great projects pinned and a boatload of fabric, so it’s time to get cracking. Bags and skirts, I think.

Progress on the home front would tip the productivity/contentment scales. We did visit a nursery last weekend and picked up some conifers to keep the momentum going in the backyard. Did some clean up in the front and even planted an oat/pea cover crop in the beds, though it may be a smidge too late for that. SO looking forward to outdoor happy hours.

Here’s the thing, though. Yeah, I’m not super excited about the state of things, but I’ve realized recently that I would say only a handful of people I know ARE satisfied with the state of their life. Most would change something pretty significant if they could. We ALL are just keeping it together, and if we’re lucky, helping each other along the way. God knows things would be even dimmer around here if not for a lot of people making me laugh and propping me up.

I hope you’ve got some people helping you muddle through. And on the days when things look especially bleak, I find chocolate is quite effective. Also, cocktails.

xoxo

ba-bling ba-bling

Posted on by Chris
3

First of all. This is a bit of a ridiculous thing to post, kind of like how to make toast or something. But I am posting it anyway.

Also, my Facebook status this morning had to do with my current and utter lack of motivation.  Let me make it clear that I bought the supplies for this idea weeks ago and just completed it today, despite the fact that it took MAYBE all of ten minutes.

But I digress. I’d been coveting something like this for a while, a way to display jewelry on the wall. Too pricy, for sure, but I like the idea of seeing what I have so that I might actually wear it. My original idea was to get one of those old wooden thread spool holders at Goodwill but of course, when I want to find something, I can’t.  On to Plan B.

Cup holders! Those little hooks you can just screw into the wall!  I bought several in different sizes, and actually planned to tie a ribbon across two of them for earrings, but then I found two lovely little wooden bowls while searching for the spool holder.

In other brilliance, I’ve got several necklaces made by friends that bear mentioning. There are two in the bottom row with all sorts of lovely beads and rbbons were given to me by Jeanne, who has an Etsy shop where she sells her work.

And the one next to it was made by Sue, out of Scrabble tiles, and the best part, shrunken photos that I’d posted on Facebook! How brilliant is that!

And now I get to see my pretties every day!

But that’s enough progress for one day.  I’ll be lucky to finish making the chili I started.

holidaze

Posted on by Chris
2

Post Christmas Debriefing:  

The littles in our house, being 13 and 11, have been questioning lately. Not the boy/girl kind of questioning, but the Santa-Kind-of-Questioning.

Especially the 11 year old. I’d say most of his friends have firmly crossed over, but he is hedging his bets. He has asked several times “Is Santa real?’.  ”Of course he is”, I say. “Who else brings the Santa presents and fills the stockings?!”  The Girl Child has been threatened with pain of death if she spoils the dream, but I think even she isn’t QUITE sure.

So on Christmas Eve morning, we trekked downtown to see Santa, the REAL Santa, at Macy’s.  We now have photographic evidence that he is real. That night, cookies and milk were left, with a note reminding Santa about Jack’s unmarked stocking.

Santa did not forget.

It was a splendid day. Gifts, ham, friends. Ham. Although there was a minor catastrophe when the oven element burned out, and we barely squeaked the biscuits out. I hope Santa brought you some magic that day too.

(P.S. About my previous post where I vowed to take it down a notch, well.  Hmm. I did make some gifts, but of course caved to the allure of having a party – THOUGH it was only an open house thing. I made a couple soups and people came to eat them. Tasty.)

But now!  It’s time to put all this away til next year.

We have no New Years Eve plans because A) I am socialized out and B) I can barely stay up past 10 pm.  So we will eat well, including a coconut cream pie if the element gets fixed today (fingers crossed). And tomorrow the house goes back to non-Christmas. A fresh start.

I looked back at last year’s New Year post and was embarrassed to see that the big goals I had for the year were nowhere near completion: the garage and backyard and purging. To be fair, it was a jam-packed social year. Which is why we’re slowing it way down this year to focus on the homefront. For the first time in many years, I have not organized any camping trips for the summer. Not one.

Which should leave us plenty of time and energy to tackle that godforsaken pit of despair known technically as our garage. We are starting to save so that when it’s cleaned out, we can finish it and have another room for living. These kids aren’t getting any smaller.  Whether we’ll have enough money for that this year remains to be seen, but at least it will be ready.

The backyard is high on the list too. We did plant a feed trough with tomatoes last year, and this year plan to step up the edibles production. Luckily, our friend Farmer Fels and his lovely wife start many fabulous seedlings and share some with us. More conifers and less weeds, maybe some plushing of the spit of grass. So it looks less like a nuclear bomb cleared it and more like this.

I actually do love our little house, despite its one bathroom and lack of dishwasher. I have big plans for the kitchen if the money tree ever starts blooming and even the ceiling. But in the meantime I’ll have to settle for little fixes and lots of hard work. I’m excited to get started and have big hopes for 2012.

May the new year bring you health and prosperity and good times spent with those you love.  I’ll be busy getting the backyard ready for ribs and pie.

and it begins

Posted on by Chris
7

Today is December 1st.  24 days remaining until Christmas.

In recent years, my holiday mojo has been declining. What used to be so fun now just seems like drudgery, something to get through. This year, I vow it will be different.

I took a look back at what brought the unfun in past years – it was the stress. From doing too much and buying too much. Things started off well enough most of the time, but then quickly spun out of control. I could not catch my breath en0ugh to find the joy in any of it.

Not this year, dammit.

New Rule #1.  Buy less.  Whatever we buy this year has to be paid for with cash, so we have to watch it carefully.  And really, we don’t NEED anything. Sure, I like a present as much as the next person, but I can get by with a new peeler and maybe a Tom Bihn bag.  And I will try to get the kids a few things they really want, but no need to go nuts as in years past. No more artsy kits that sit unused, or plastic bits of crap.

New Rule #2.  Make more. Which goes along with Rule #1.  I have several handmade gifts on my list.  I’ll be saving money and moving onto…

New Rule #3.  Do the joyful things.  Like making presents.  Decorating. Cookies! Christmas music. Lights. A day downtown.  Things that memories are made of.

New Rule #4. Keep track. I’m really hoping that my mom’s old-fashioned way of organizing will help me stay on top of the madness. I got a tiny spiral notebook, and made notes for food I want to make, each person on my list, crafts  to do, and money spent. I used to try to do that in Google docs, but for some reason it never really worked. In this case, I think physically keeping it all together might do the trick.  We shall see.

New Rule #5. Let it go.I don’t need to do a big party every year with lots of expensive food and work.  Soup and cookies are just fine. Ham sandwiches on Christmas Day.

When all else fails, have a cocktail and find some little thing to be grateful for. Find the quiet of the season.  Wishing you all peace this month.

great expectations

Posted on by Chris
3

It’s been a struggle, people. A mighty struggle.

To put it plainly, I live with a 13-year old Girl and a 10-soon-to-be-11-year-old Boy. There is  a whole lot of stuff going on in their little heads lately, is all I can think.

The Girl Child has been busted twice recently for lying, and likes to be rude when she knows better. This morning she had not made her lunch when it was time to leave. I dared to  suggest she get up earlier or spend less time changing her shirt (40 minutes?! really?!), and then it was on with the rudeness.  I ended up saying nothing and leaving on my own, though I did wait at the bus stop to make sure she made it.

The Boy Child has unexplainable freak-outs. Yesterday, he showed me his birthday list, which had only three things on it, so I suggested he add some other things to it. Since, you know, odds are more than 3 people would like to get him a gift.  He completely lost it. Tore up his list, declared he didn’t want a birthday, threw stuff out of his room, rolled around on the floor.  It was nuts. A mark of how nuts: he threw NIGHT NIGHT into the hall.  Night Night slept with me.

I KNOW there are hormonal and pre-teen demons at work here. I’m reasonably sure they are good kids.  But GOOD LORD, this stuff is exhausting. I also know we are not the only ones with these demon children – I am pretty sure there is a support group for it, and it’s called vodka.

I know they are stretching new muscles and finding their way, dealing with stresses we know nothing about. I refuse to give in and be bullied by my own kids. I  expect them to be part of a family where we respect each other and try to be nice, for crying out loud. To be responsible for fixing the hurt they cause with the words they say without thinking.

I know the day will come when they turn into people who can control their emotions, maybe not say things that make no sense when you suggest a new morning routine or more birthday presents. I fear it will not be soon enough.

In the meantime, make it a double.

a family photo, back in the day

like the wind

Posted on by Chris
5

I debated writing about this. Seemed like it might be jinxing the whole thing, setting me up for failure.

And I can think of a few people who will get a big chuckle out of it. Luckily, the few that already know are very supportive, so I am going for it.

I am 5’7″, about 135 pounds. When I was pregnant with my first kid, I think I was about 120. I’ve always been pretty lucky in not having to diet, but I wouldn’t mind losing about 10 pounds to make the fat pants a little looser. They shouldn’t be “fit just right pants”.  I’m also 44, which means the pounds are starting to creep on, especially in the middle. My mom always said my metabolism would catch up with me at 30, so I guess I got a few extra years.

I am probably one of the least athletic people you will ever meet. Seriously.  I was always the  last person picked for any team. I once got injured playing AIR HOCKEY, for crying out loud.

But last Wednesday, I started the Couch to 5K Running Plan.  I’ve done 4 of the workouts now. It’s basically a gradual plan mixing short spurts of running/jogging with walking, working up to 3 miles of running by the end of two months, doing 3 workouts a week.  Yesterday was 5 minutes of walking to warm up, then 90 seconds of jogging followed by 2 minutes of walking repeated 6 times and 5 minutes of walking to cool down. I have the app on my phone so it keeps track of what to do when.

I tried this running thing a couple years ago, just kind of making it up as I went with my own jogging/walking thing. A) I really need the app to keep me on track and B) I tried to walk Jack the first time around. Fail.  Killed my knees zigzagging back and forth with him.  This time, no Jack.

I have to say, it feels good. Yes, it’s only been a week. The knees are a bit sore but I am working on strengthening them.  They’re a little wonky anyway since they turn in; I have vague recollections of braces as a little kid. I also bought these yesterday, thinking it would help me run with better form, i.e. landing mid-foot instead of on the heel. I’m not ready to do the barefoot thing, since I “run” on the streets around my house, but the lighter weight, more neutral heel does seem to help.

I definitely can see myself sticking with it, which I could never say before. It helps to have my own personal running gurus – ladies who have done this for much longer and more seriously than I probably ever will. I am grateful to C, L and D for letting me pick their brains and words of encouragement.

With a little luck, maybe swim suit season won’t be so horrifying next year. And if I can do it, god knows anyone can.

girls gone coastal

Posted on by Chris
6

I sit here typing this with a glass of red wine. Fitting, really.  I’ve just returned from a long weekend at Heron Hollow with 5 other ladies. Organized by Danielle, we took over a house in Ocean Park, near Long Beach.  I knew 3 of them, had met one only  briefly, and never met the sixth. We arrived armed with plenty of wine and liquor, and proceeded to have a splendid time.

Some of you may suspect the truth, that I am an extroverted introvert.  Meeting new people is both exciting and terrifying to me all at once, and even being with people I know usually causes some anxiety. Wine and booze helps. I worry about saying too much or not enough. About not pulling my fair share. I am basically a neurotic mess.

But I do love the ocean.

It is calming and immense and wild all at the same time. We got a bit of sun and some crazy rain.

Ocean Park is a cute, little beach town, which is hard to find on the Washington Coast. It was settled in the late 19th century and has some very quaint old houses. It also has Jack’s Country Store.

Odds are, if you can’t find it here, you can’t find it anywhere.  They have food too (but oddly no seafood).

As if that weren’t good enough, this wee tiny town also has a YARN store!

I also scored a cool old book at the used book store that will be turned into something. But mainly, it was about things like this.

And eating. Dancing. Mr. Darcy. Lots and lots of knitting and reading. Wine. Silliness and general doing of nothing that was not decided on the spur of the moment.

Several of the girls are runners. As are most of my stitchers.  Maybe it’s time for me to revisit that idea. Wouldn’t that be something.

But for now, there is a little peace and scenes like these.

living in disarray

Posted on by Chris
1

Today is the first day of Fall. It is supposed to be 79 degrees here, which is pretty wackadoo.  School has been in session for about 3 weeks, and we have a sort of rhythm  going, “sort of” being the key phrase.

Sadly, we were not very productive in the purging this summer.  There was one very satisfying dump run and pressure-washing of the patio. But no big garage clean out. There are still piles on my sewing desk, in the bedroom, in the closet, in the kitchen. It is becoming hard to deal with, even more so because I do actually make a dent it sometimes, but it never sticks. Yes, we have a small house and not much room to put stuff, but I’m not kidding myself. We could have a 3,000 SF house and it’d still be crammed. So clearly the problem is the amount of stuff.  Only one thing for it. Out it goes. It has to for my own mental health, and let’s be clear, I am by no means a neat freak so if it bothers ME, you know it’s bad.

The stuff is now getting in the way of fun things – I can’t sew obviously, and last week only half of the couch could be sat upon. The other half was covered in laundry. I did just get a killer new knitting bag, a Tom Bihn Swift.  Yes, a new item, but it will let me get my knitting organized, so shut it, you haters.  That is incentive to clearing the knitting mess.

And I finally drug out the kitchen cabinet doors that we took off FOUR years ago, primed them, and hope to paint them tonight.  Granted, they’re still 50 years old so they won’t look brand new, but a lot better than what’s on them now.  While I’m at it, I should empty the cabinets and repaint the interior – we just did a quick coat of latex when we moved in and it’s not wearing so well.

But let’s get to the nitty gritty, lay it all out there. It’s not just my physical surroundings that are making me nuts. I am 44 and the hormones are starting to go a little askew.  Crazy things happening physically, but the worst is the mental. I am normally a pretty easy-going gal, but the last few weeks, not so much. I hate feeling like I could snap at any minute over nothing. I want my old self back. If this is the new me, I may have to move to a cabin in Montana miles from nowhere before I hurt someone.

But since the shoe and yarn and fabric buying options are limited there, I’ll stick it out here a while longer, hoping my new cabinets and cleaned-out house will take the edge off. As well as the IV bag of wine that I will soon have to hook up on a continuous drip.

And if I snap at you, just nod and smile.