imperfect

Been a while. Sorry about that. I just haven’t been inspired lately. But I’ve been reading a lot of Penelope Trunk’s blog. She gives career advice and has Asperger’s, which gives a unique voice to her blog. I really love her honesty and directness about every part of her life, and some of it has been resonating with me. Last night my head started filling with words again after too long.

Probably I am repeating things I’ve said here before. Which probably means they bear repeating, for me anyway.

I’ve been finding myself stuck in a rut, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Part of the problem is the last 3 years or so have not been great. There have been struggles – some overcome and some remain. I think I keep waiting for the way things were before, but I can never catch up. Maybe I never will. Maybe this is the new way things are.

Waiting for perfection is a fool’s game. And I was letting it overwhelm me. It’s so easy to see other people’s lives in person and in social media and think “why can’t I have that?” and “they seem to have it all figured out”. But I read some stuff in Penelope’s blog that made me realize something I was too blind to see. We only see what people let us  see. We have no idea what their life is really like. Which is of course so obvious but I was too mired down to get it.

If I really think about it, it’s been a while since I was truly happy, joyful. I just haven’t been able to relax – there is too much going on, always in the back of my mind. So I need to make a conscious effort to recognize the little pieces of joy. Walking and talking with my son about his future, getting a great letter from my daughter, helping my mom cross something off her bucket list by getting a tattoo, sitting with friends in the summer night. Nothing big, but everything.

I’ve been procrastinating getting out the fabric and paints this summer – just stuck, a creative block. I need to just start and remember that it’s the little things that go wrong in the process that make the final product so much more interesting. The extra layer in the collage covering up the mistake, the quilt block  pieced on the wrong side of the fabric. That’s how you know a person made it, really thought about what they were doing.

I need to savor the growing up my kids are doing, even as they stumble along the way. It’s so hard to be patient, to have faith that they will right their path. A little nudge here, a little love there, and I think they will find it.

The fact is time is wasting. The big picture might never be just right. I might never have that dishwasher or second bathroom or buy things without looking at the price tag.

But I can find enough bits and pieces of happy and joy and just right to collage together something imperfectly perfect. I’m starting today.